Been doing some thinking...

After a lot of hard prayer, consideration, and downright hard work, I've decided to pass on the Tough Mudder this year. Two major points play into this decision. 1. It's January 29th, two weeks before I complete my Bachelors, and I'll have to be training (about 2hrs a day) between now and then to do it and do it right. I need to be putting that time into my studies, not this personal goal, but to the goal that benefits the family the most. 2. I'm preparing for a move at the beginning of January. between School and Work, I barely have time to move, much less train for something this intense.

So I'm going to delay for a year. Tough Mudder is a great benefit and it'll be around in 2012, and I'll be more ready for it by then. Anyone feel like getting on board for a year long training schedule with me? It will include Insanity, Running (street and broken field), Biking, and anything else I can think of...(anyone know where I can find a public obstacle course? Parkour? Any other ideas?)

PTSD and the Church

As a sufferer of PTSD I have a unique outlook to see a problem coming before the Church. PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In the past is was called combat fatigue, shell shock, and many other things; even being mislabeled as readjustment disorder in recent years. In layman’s terms, it is a natural reaction to extreme stress events which cause a physiological shift in how the brain functions. There is much more to it than this, but for this purpose, my definition will suffice.

First I’m going to give a little background about me and my PTSD to give a little understanding to you. I’m a 30 year old Christian man who, despite being raised in the church, came to Christ at the age of 23, about 5 months before deploying to Iraq in February of 2003. After returning in February of 2004, I had a series of bad events that left me back in my parents’ home at the age of 26, broke, and feeling helpless. I had turned away from God, as I could not understand how he allowed friends to die in Iraq, or put me in a position to fire my weapon and another man. How could he let me feel the guilt and pain that riddled me daily?

My parents took me to church with them and took me to the VA. The VA helped me by getting me into counseling for PTSD and getting me on some meds to regulate the chemicals that had gotten out of whack. But Christ gave me so much more. Reading the word again and spending time in prayer showed me that the bad thing I had experienced were not caused by his lack of love, but because he loves us so much that he will not take away our free will. This includes allowing bad things to happen while Satan has dominion of the Earth. In October of 2006 I met an amazing woman. She was attending seminary and opened my eyes up even further. She helped me understand things I had not before, and she gave me love freely, with no expectations. Laura and I were married a year later in November of 2007.

“What does this have to do with the Church?” you ask. Simple, Thousands upon thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen battle these same issues every day. These are the young, the old, and the in between. From Vietnam to Panama, from Afghanistan to Iraq, these brave men and women have risked their lives for the country we believe in. We are not loved by our country though. In many cases we are hated. The Westboro Baptist Church drives servicemen away from God with every sign held high in protest. Every time a uniform is defaced in protest of the war or a soldier sees his flag burned, he loses a little of his love for the people who would disrespect his sacrifice. We as the Church, the body of Christ, need to change this.

Another thing we (PTSD sufferers) face is a feeling of despair brought on by the chemical imbalances. This becomes more manageable with treatment, but it still comes at times. While not as severe as back in the early days after returning from the war, I still have periods where I want nothing to do with anyone or anything, not even God. I have Laura to help me, but many soldiers don’t have anyone. The leading preventable cause of death in the military today is suicide. One major cause of this is the feeling of immense despair I am talking about. Think about this in a different way, if you are sure that you are worthless and a failure, that God doesn’t love you or doesn’t exist, and that all the world has to offer you is suffering; what reason do you have to continue living? I am definitely not trying to justify these thoughts, only trying to help you understand, and I can only do that because I have not felt these feelings in many years. With treatment, these feelings do go away, and with support they can be completely avoided. That’s where the Church comes in.

The Church is Christ’s tool on Earth. It is his hands and arms. By welcoming one in, we help that body to grow and we help one more to know His love. Sound good so far? But what does it take to do this? Investment. You have to go forth and invest your life in those around you. I can almost guarantee that everyone reading this knows at least one soldier, though you may not know much about him or her. Try starting with a dinner, servicemen love to eat, trust me on that one, and once you get food in us we talk more (might not be good to feed me much, since I already talk too much, but most others you’re safe on). Pay attention to what they are talking about. Above all, do not bring up the war. If we want to talk about it, we do. If we don’t, we still respect you enough to answer questions (it’s in our training). So leave that off for now. (By the way , a huge number of soldiers do not have PTSD to any degree, and even fewer have truly debilitating PTSD, but even so, bringing one more into the Church is a good thing, right?) Learn about us and then build on what we say with stories of your own. Share pieces of Jesus’ teaching when you can, but don’t preach. Basically, be our friends. It does not matter if you served. It does not matter what you think of the war (though if you are against it, you still need to show us that you are thankful for our willingness to die for you if we are called to). It doesn’t even matter if we’re the same age or demographic. Some of the people I am closest to are people I have met since returning from Iraq, and they simply stepped up and showed me His love. I have friends twice my age because of this, and I have many differences with them, but they showed me his love and that earned them a spot in my heart forever.

The other thing we have to do is accept. PTSD can lead to short tempers, to apathy, to depression, and to emotional outbursts with mood swings. We have to expect and accept these. They are part of the person now.With treatment, the sufferer will learn to control these things, but it's going to take time. Remember, they are having to relearn things since their brain works a little differently now.

Oh, and PTSD is not limited to combat veterans. Often, we see PTSD symptoms in rape, assault, and sexual abuse patients. Any psychologically traumatic event can cause PTSD.

My next 30 years...

As I come close to that day, the one that I used to think was old, you know it, The big 3-0, I've started thinking about my last 30 years. I spent most of it being...well, a kid. But that's not a big deal, I was one. The last 12 are the ones that I wasn't supposed to be one...can't say I grew up that fast.So when did I make that step?

Was it in the war torn rubble in Iraq, with bullets flying and my heart jumping into my throat? I don't think so, but I was forced to evaluate my mortality there, but I had already grown up before facing that. Though I stopped being 10 foot tall and bulletproof when I saw other soldiers fall.

Was it when I gave my life to Christ in November of 2002? No, being able to make that decision and truthfully mean it showed that I was already a man.

Making it through Basic and AIT? Nope, saw plenty of kids do that, and they are still kids today, 10 years later.

Signing up, knowing that I did not know where I was going or even what I was committing to? That one's a little more complicated. If you have read the other blogs here, you've seen that I was an Eagle Scout and had been involved in scouts as long as I could remember. I know about soldiers, I knew about the patriotism, I even know about the work. What I didn't know was the sacrifice. Not knowing the sacrifice, I don't feel that signing those papers and swearing that oath made me a man, but I won't say the decision didn't help me to begin to become one.

So did the military make me a man, I think so, but not sure when the change actually happened. Maybe it was in steps. And they might have began before I entered that recruiters office. Sitting for my Eagle Board may have been my first real step, though I had taken a few false steps before. It's funny that I went on from there to graduate high school and then start a job hunt which ended up working as a field tech for a construction testing company. I was working with some men, but many boys. I decided to join up after realizing I would not be happy with the amount I would have to work to support a family. I think my next step was then, when I decided that I was not a boy and could not turn to play when I needed to be finding a way up and out of the hole I was in.

I swore to defend the country against all enemies...that's a heck of an oath if you think about it. I was promising to give my life to defend the constitution and people of America, including all the strangers out there, against anyone who attacked us, foreign or domestic. I was writing a check that I wasn't sure I could cash.

I shipped to Basic at Ft Benning, the last all male Boot anywhere, and then to AIT at Ft. Sam Houston. I saw the Reservists and National Guard...they knew they were going home and back to their lives after this, but me, I was going to who knows where. I had requested Hood, Sill and I can't remember the 3rd, but I got Ft Campbell. So off to the 101st on my 21st birthday! than was almost 9 years ago now and here I am trying to figure out when I crossed the line from youth to adulthood.

I was at Ft Campbell for almost 3 years as a Medic, earning my Air Assault Wings after rappelling from a helicopter, and my Sapper tab after spending 2 weeks outside in 6 inches of snow with little food and less sleep, when we got our orders for Iraq. I was eager to go. All of these things I had drilled myself on to the point of making them instinct could be used. I was eager to see war so I could use medical techniques on my friends? I definitely wasn't a man yet, not hoping for harm to any man, especially not those I knew.

In Iraq I saw soldiers charge into combat with little thought of what they were doing and began to ask myself question. I began to talk to my LT about these questions and we had some long discussions. Some of which I still think about today. I do believe that I started becoming a man with these discussions, but I wasn't there yet. When Josh was killed on November 1st, 2004, that was a crushing moment for me. And after returning home I found myself worn down by the memory of the lost friend. I feel that that experience was another step toward manhood.

I got married and thought I was happy until 2 years later, I learned my wife was cheating on me and I had a breakdown.My PTSD showed its full effects and I went home to Dallas, divorcing the woman I though loved me and seeing the harshness of life in it's true colors. I think this was one of the major steps toward manhood.

Now, 3 years later, I am remarried, this time to a wonderful Christian woman who supports me in my daily walk and am happy, even during stressful and difficult times in my life.

I think that I have learned something, manhood is a journey, it's a daily walk with God and with those we choose to live with. weather we are maturing or not largely depends not on the circumstances of our lives, but by the decisions we make and the company we keep.

So in my next thirty years, I will continue along the road I am now on and will continue in God's walk.