Warrior Dash... Warrior Spirit... God's Special Forces

What is it that God wants out of me? Does he want me to be 10 foot tall and bulletproof? No, he would have made me that way if he did. Does he want me to be a business or political leader? No, he'd have groomed me for that. Does he want me to be a special forces soldier? Kind of. Let me give some background on this.

I've been reading "Risk" by Kenny Luck. It about giving your life over to God. What is it that make a special operations soldier great? Its his willingness to put his job before anything else. Is he the fittest in the military? Nope, probably not. Is he the smartest in the military? Maybe, but that's not what got him his job. What got him where he is was his willingness to sacrifice and to die if necessary for the cause. So what does God want from his warriors?

God wants our 100% dedication to his cause. 25% doesn't work. 50% doesn't work. Even 75% isn't enough. He wants 100%. So what does this mean? It means different things to different men. The key is that everything you do must be done for God's glory. You have to get out and spread the Word.

What am I doing to be a member of God's Special Forces? Over the last year I have made huge changes in my life. I have taken my life in a new direction. I was going to school for theatre and planning on opening a Haunted House. Now I am finishing up a BA in Christian Studies, setting my sights on Seminary and feel called to Men's ministry. Along with this, I am getting back in shape. I have started Insanity, an intense cardio training program, and I am going to be running the Warrior Dash in November. I spend daily time in the Word and I invest in friends, family, and coworkers, even when they are resistant to it. God is a daily part of my life, and my life shows it. My wife and I are happier than we have ever been before. We are succeeding even when we don't know what we are doing.

So, living a life as a soldier in God's Special Forces isn't about getting out and starting am ministry. It's about making your life a ministry. Get out and make people ask you what it is about your life that is so great, and tell them. God gives us all skills that he uses for a special duty, and God uses you for those things he had prepared you for. Stop doubting him and go out and do his work.

So day 2 is complete... and I was oh so relieved when it ended. I'm working on getting my form right, but my coordination leaves something to be desired. My thighs are still sore from it and I felt like I was going to fall over during it. I actually had to sit out for 2 of the exercises because my heart rate was too high (close to 190). I watched closely during those so I could get an idea of how they were done. I look forward to today, but even more to the recovery day tomorrow. I keep wondering if Shaun T has Army in his background, that medical tat on his arm sure looks like a meddac tat. Anyways, I'm going strong and will keep rolling. INSANITY!!!!!!

Day 1 Complete, Day 2 coming fast!

So I did the first day of Insanity: Dig Deeper and Fit Test. I felt like I was going to fall out. There were points when Shawn T was yelling to push it harder and I couldn't even get off my hands and knees. My results are better than i thought they would be, but I'm going to have to push harder and dig deeper today. one thing has changed for me though. I feel able. Yesterday I was worried I would not be able to finish the test, but today, I know I can do this. I feel more alive and more awake. I feel my muscles ready to go again. No pain. That is the biggest thing for me. I don't feel pain today. How can that be? Shawn drove me to muscle failure on the push-up jacks and the plank obliques, but I'm not in pain today. I'm eating better (though I'm not eating quite right yet) and I got great sleep last night (even with the dog waking me up for water and to go out!)

I am convinced that each day is going to be better. I'm going to push further and dig deeper. I will reach targets that I never reached in the Army and then go farther.

One interesting thing is that the last day is actually going to be postponed 1 day. I will be competing in the Warrior Dash here in Austin on November 20th. I'm going to put the fit test off until Monday (or maybe Sunday) while I compete in this run. I feel like this program is going to make me able to push myself through the 3.2 miles and 11 obstacles in 35 minutes or less, 10 minutes faster than I had originally set me goal.

In all things, I give God the glory. It is because of him that I am doing this and because of him that I can compete. Thank's to God that I have the strength and I ask him for the perseverance to push further, faster, and harder than I ever have before.

Insanity! Am I insane?

So, I'm starting insanity today (Actually yesterday 9/20). Am I crazy? This is going to be the hardest thing I have done since I left the Army... What can I do to keep myself going? What is this going to take? Do I have it in me?

Yes! I can and will do this. I want to be the guy that my future kids look at and want to be like. I want to be able to take my shirt off at the beach and not be ashamed. I will push myself to do what needs to be done to reach this goal.

I will start every day's workout with a prayer of thanks and for protection. I will push myself to perform better than the day before and not give up on any workout, anytime. I will complete this program and continue after with more exercise programs to strengthen myself, mind, body, and soul.

PTSD and the Church

As a sufferer of PTSD I have a unique outlook to see a problem coming before the Church. PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In the past is was called combat fatigue, shell shock, and many other things; even being mislabeled as readjustment disorder in recent years. In layman’s terms, it is a natural reaction to extreme stress events which cause a physiological shift in how the brain functions. There is much more to it than this, but for this purpose, my definition will suffice.

First I’m going to give a little background about me and my PTSD to give a little understanding to you. I’m a 30 year old Christian man who, despite being raised in the church, came to Christ at the age of 23, about 5 months before deploying to Iraq in February of 2003. After returning in February of 2004, I had a series of bad events that left me back in my parents’ home at the age of 26, broke, and feeling helpless. I had turned away from God, as I could not understand how he allowed friends to die in Iraq, or put me in a position to fire my weapon and another man. How could he let me feel the guilt and pain that riddled me daily?

My parents took me to church with them and took me to the VA. The VA helped me by getting me into counseling for PTSD and getting me on some meds to regulate the chemicals that had gotten out of whack. But Christ gave me so much more. Reading the word again and spending time in prayer showed me that the bad thing I had experienced were not caused by his lack of love, but because he loves us so much that he will not take away our free will. This includes allowing bad things to happen while Satan has dominion of the Earth. In October of 2006 I met an amazing woman. She was attending seminary and opened my eyes up even further. She helped me understand things I had not before, and she gave me love freely, with no expectations. Laura and I were married a year later in November of 2007.

“What does this have to do with the Church?” you ask. Simple, Thousands upon thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen battle these same issues every day. These are the young, the old, and the in between. From Vietnam to Panama, from Afghanistan to Iraq, these brave men and women have risked their lives for the country we believe in. We are not loved by our country though. In many cases we are hated. The Westboro Baptist Church drives servicemen away from God with every sign held high in protest. Every time a uniform is defaced in protest of the war or a soldier sees his flag burned, he loses a little of his love for the people who would disrespect his sacrifice. We as the Church, the body of Christ, need to change this.

Another thing we (PTSD sufferers) face is a feeling of despair brought on by the chemical imbalances. This becomes more manageable with treatment, but it still comes at times. While not as severe as back in the early days after returning from the war, I still have periods where I want nothing to do with anyone or anything, not even God. I have Laura to help me, but many soldiers don’t have anyone. The leading preventable cause of death in the military today is suicide. One major cause of this is the feeling of immense despair I am talking about. Think about this in a different way, if you are sure that you are worthless and a failure, that God doesn’t love you or doesn’t exist, and that all the world has to offer you is suffering; what reason do you have to continue living? I am definitely not trying to justify these thoughts, only trying to help you understand, and I can only do that because I have not felt these feelings in many years. With treatment, these feelings do go away, and with support they can be completely avoided. That’s where the Church comes in.

The Church is Christ’s tool on Earth. It is his hands and arms. By welcoming one in, we help that body to grow and we help one more to know His love. Sound good so far? But what does it take to do this? Investment. You have to go forth and invest your life in those around you. I can almost guarantee that everyone reading this knows at least one soldier, though you may not know much about him or her. Try starting with a dinner, servicemen love to eat, trust me on that one, and once you get food in us we talk more (might not be good to feed me much, since I already talk too much, but most others you’re safe on). Pay attention to what they are talking about. Above all, do not bring up the war. If we want to talk about it, we do. If we don’t, we still respect you enough to answer questions (it’s in our training). So leave that off for now. (By the way , a huge number of soldiers do not have PTSD to any degree, and even fewer have truly debilitating PTSD, but even so, bringing one more into the Church is a good thing, right?) Learn about us and then build on what we say with stories of your own. Share pieces of Jesus’ teaching when you can, but don’t preach. Basically, be our friends. It does not matter if you served. It does not matter what you think of the war (though if you are against it, you still need to show us that you are thankful for our willingness to die for you if we are called to). It doesn’t even matter if we’re the same age or demographic. Some of the people I am closest to are people I have met since returning from Iraq, and they simply stepped up and showed me His love. I have friends twice my age because of this, and I have many differences with them, but they showed me his love and that earned them a spot in my heart forever.

The other thing we have to do is accept. PTSD can lead to short tempers, to apathy, to depression, and to emotional outbursts with mood swings. We have to expect and accept these. They are part of the person now.With treatment, the sufferer will learn to control these things, but it's going to take time. Remember, they are having to relearn things since their brain works a little differently now.

Oh, and PTSD is not limited to combat veterans. Often, we see PTSD symptoms in rape, assault, and sexual abuse patients. Any psychologically traumatic event can cause PTSD.

My next 30 years...

As I come close to that day, the one that I used to think was old, you know it, The big 3-0, I've started thinking about my last 30 years. I spent most of it being...well, a kid. But that's not a big deal, I was one. The last 12 are the ones that I wasn't supposed to be one...can't say I grew up that fast.So when did I make that step?

Was it in the war torn rubble in Iraq, with bullets flying and my heart jumping into my throat? I don't think so, but I was forced to evaluate my mortality there, but I had already grown up before facing that. Though I stopped being 10 foot tall and bulletproof when I saw other soldiers fall.

Was it when I gave my life to Christ in November of 2002? No, being able to make that decision and truthfully mean it showed that I was already a man.

Making it through Basic and AIT? Nope, saw plenty of kids do that, and they are still kids today, 10 years later.

Signing up, knowing that I did not know where I was going or even what I was committing to? That one's a little more complicated. If you have read the other blogs here, you've seen that I was an Eagle Scout and had been involved in scouts as long as I could remember. I know about soldiers, I knew about the patriotism, I even know about the work. What I didn't know was the sacrifice. Not knowing the sacrifice, I don't feel that signing those papers and swearing that oath made me a man, but I won't say the decision didn't help me to begin to become one.

So did the military make me a man, I think so, but not sure when the change actually happened. Maybe it was in steps. And they might have began before I entered that recruiters office. Sitting for my Eagle Board may have been my first real step, though I had taken a few false steps before. It's funny that I went on from there to graduate high school and then start a job hunt which ended up working as a field tech for a construction testing company. I was working with some men, but many boys. I decided to join up after realizing I would not be happy with the amount I would have to work to support a family. I think my next step was then, when I decided that I was not a boy and could not turn to play when I needed to be finding a way up and out of the hole I was in.

I swore to defend the country against all enemies...that's a heck of an oath if you think about it. I was promising to give my life to defend the constitution and people of America, including all the strangers out there, against anyone who attacked us, foreign or domestic. I was writing a check that I wasn't sure I could cash.

I shipped to Basic at Ft Benning, the last all male Boot anywhere, and then to AIT at Ft. Sam Houston. I saw the Reservists and National Guard...they knew they were going home and back to their lives after this, but me, I was going to who knows where. I had requested Hood, Sill and I can't remember the 3rd, but I got Ft Campbell. So off to the 101st on my 21st birthday! than was almost 9 years ago now and here I am trying to figure out when I crossed the line from youth to adulthood.

I was at Ft Campbell for almost 3 years as a Medic, earning my Air Assault Wings after rappelling from a helicopter, and my Sapper tab after spending 2 weeks outside in 6 inches of snow with little food and less sleep, when we got our orders for Iraq. I was eager to go. All of these things I had drilled myself on to the point of making them instinct could be used. I was eager to see war so I could use medical techniques on my friends? I definitely wasn't a man yet, not hoping for harm to any man, especially not those I knew.

In Iraq I saw soldiers charge into combat with little thought of what they were doing and began to ask myself question. I began to talk to my LT about these questions and we had some long discussions. Some of which I still think about today. I do believe that I started becoming a man with these discussions, but I wasn't there yet. When Josh was killed on November 1st, 2004, that was a crushing moment for me. And after returning home I found myself worn down by the memory of the lost friend. I feel that that experience was another step toward manhood.

I got married and thought I was happy until 2 years later, I learned my wife was cheating on me and I had a breakdown.My PTSD showed its full effects and I went home to Dallas, divorcing the woman I though loved me and seeing the harshness of life in it's true colors. I think this was one of the major steps toward manhood.

Now, 3 years later, I am remarried, this time to a wonderful Christian woman who supports me in my daily walk and am happy, even during stressful and difficult times in my life.

I think that I have learned something, manhood is a journey, it's a daily walk with God and with those we choose to live with. weather we are maturing or not largely depends not on the circumstances of our lives, but by the decisions we make and the company we keep.

So in my next thirty years, I will continue along the road I am now on and will continue in God's walk.

Trying times

Over the last few days, I have some friends who's family has received some hard hits. The stress caused to this family leaves me asking the question, "How do I help?" God tells us to be cheerful servants, and I know that some of my strongest gifts are mercy and service. I feel drawn to help, but don't know how.

As a medic in Iraq and stateside, it was clear what my purpose was. I provided acute and ongoing care for the soldiers under my watch. This was stressful, but also simple. I had spent years learning not only conventional methods of care, but also unconventional or "ditch" medicine. My skills were tested in Iraq, but not nearly as much as my nerve. We did not lose any members of our unit while we were there, though with great sadness me did lose 1LT Josh Hurley on 11/1/03 after he had been transferred to the HHC. I feel guilt over not being there to save him, but know that I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I could. So while I feel guilt, I know I have no blame.

Now, after leaving the military, leaving EMS, and leaving any job I thought I would have, I am looking into Ministry. Probably outreach, but that is up to God. I find myself seeking ways to serve others and in situations that are so close to home, I am unsure of what to do. I'm told that I'm great in an emergency. Where I often find myself at a loss is afterward. How do I comfort people when I know so little of the situation? Or how do I comfort someone when I don't know the situation at all? I can often empathize with people, as this was something I learned to do in emergency medicine, but this is not always helpful. How do I determine when someone needs me to be the rock for them to lean on or the welcoming shoulder for their tears? I pray God reveals these thing through professors and experience and I pray that he makes himself known to those I am helping through my actions and words.

So I've finally started a blog.

This was supposed to be my first post(but I lost it and just found it!) So here it is in all it's glory...

A lot of you have told me I should do this, as it seems I always have something to say.

But, right now it seems that I can't think of a thing I want to say. I could talk about the Islamic Extremist that killed 13 servicemen at Ft Hood, but that's not really a topic I want to share my feelings about. I could talk about the Health Care reform Act and the fact that it really only addresses taking money away from those providing the best health care in the world, not from the companies refusing to pay for that health care. I could even talk about the growing number of dissatisfied veterans being refused service connection for illnesses and injuries that could be caused by nothing else but the Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. But, then I'd have to talk about the Army's refusal to recognize PTSD as a genuine and disabling disorder caused by a failure to prepare soldiers emotionally for the horrors of combat, and I really don't want to get into that.

So for now I'll just leave you with a bit about myself. Most of you know I'm a proud Texan, but did you also know I'm a proud member of the Clan Macduff? My family left Scotland during colonial times and were represented in every major conflict America has ever been part of. We were in the Revolution, both sides of the Civil War, WWII (I'm not 100% sure of WWI due to ages, but my grandfather was in a war critical industry contributing to the effort.), Vietnam Era, And The War on Terrorism (Iraq is really a continuation of Gulf Storm, ask me about it and I'll explain) I'm a proud veteran of the 101st Airborne A/Co 326th Engineers and proud to say, one of the few Medics to have ever graduated Sapper Leader Course when I went through in 2002. I've been out of the Army since June of 2009(Reserves since 2004) and am now back in school. I went to school for EMS for a bit, then theatre, but now I'm in for Christian Studies, and I'm planning on going on to Seminary for a ThM or maybe a Doctorate of Theology, not sure on that yet. God has been calling me to some kind of outreach recently, though I'm not sure what kind. I'm looking into mission work here and abroad.

Abroad...It's funny to say that. When I got back to Texas after Iraq, I said I would never willingly leave for anything other than a vacation again, and now I'm considering the possibility of Laura and I going to Wales for a year!

Oh, I haven't even told you about Laura yet. Laura is my beautiful wife. We met Halloween 2006 at Reindeer Manor Haunted House, where I was helping Boy Scout Troop 1 as an Actor. I was working the crowd with Dale ( a buddy from scouts) and saw her. I walked by several times, never pausing, but always noticing. After conferring with Dale, we grabbed her from the crowd and buried her in a grave in the Graveyard. After talking to her for a few minutes, I returned her to her family and asked her to let me know what they thought of the show after they finished.

About 45 minutes later, I looked up and there she was leaning up against the Graveyard fence with her niece. I used a corny line about her coming back out the next year and hoping I could see her before then. I then got her number and the rule breaking started. I called her on the way home that night, just after midnight and started talking. It took me a week to get her to agree to go on a date with me. Then 5 months to convince her I wasn't to young for her (Don't tell her I said this, but she's got 6 years on me :-P ) before I could convince her to marry me. We got engaged in March on in the Harley Davidson shop on Bourbon Street in New Orleans and Left for Scotland to get married November 6th of 2007, exactly one year after our first date. We were wed by Terry Boyle in Airth Castle (just outside of Falkirk) on 11/11/2007 and have been happily married since.