My next 30 years...

As I come close to that day, the one that I used to think was old, you know it, The big 3-0, I've started thinking about my last 30 years. I spent most of it being...well, a kid. But that's not a big deal, I was one. The last 12 are the ones that I wasn't supposed to be one...can't say I grew up that fast.So when did I make that step?

Was it in the war torn rubble in Iraq, with bullets flying and my heart jumping into my throat? I don't think so, but I was forced to evaluate my mortality there, but I had already grown up before facing that. Though I stopped being 10 foot tall and bulletproof when I saw other soldiers fall.

Was it when I gave my life to Christ in November of 2002? No, being able to make that decision and truthfully mean it showed that I was already a man.

Making it through Basic and AIT? Nope, saw plenty of kids do that, and they are still kids today, 10 years later.

Signing up, knowing that I did not know where I was going or even what I was committing to? That one's a little more complicated. If you have read the other blogs here, you've seen that I was an Eagle Scout and had been involved in scouts as long as I could remember. I know about soldiers, I knew about the patriotism, I even know about the work. What I didn't know was the sacrifice. Not knowing the sacrifice, I don't feel that signing those papers and swearing that oath made me a man, but I won't say the decision didn't help me to begin to become one.

So did the military make me a man, I think so, but not sure when the change actually happened. Maybe it was in steps. And they might have began before I entered that recruiters office. Sitting for my Eagle Board may have been my first real step, though I had taken a few false steps before. It's funny that I went on from there to graduate high school and then start a job hunt which ended up working as a field tech for a construction testing company. I was working with some men, but many boys. I decided to join up after realizing I would not be happy with the amount I would have to work to support a family. I think my next step was then, when I decided that I was not a boy and could not turn to play when I needed to be finding a way up and out of the hole I was in.

I swore to defend the country against all enemies...that's a heck of an oath if you think about it. I was promising to give my life to defend the constitution and people of America, including all the strangers out there, against anyone who attacked us, foreign or domestic. I was writing a check that I wasn't sure I could cash.

I shipped to Basic at Ft Benning, the last all male Boot anywhere, and then to AIT at Ft. Sam Houston. I saw the Reservists and National Guard...they knew they were going home and back to their lives after this, but me, I was going to who knows where. I had requested Hood, Sill and I can't remember the 3rd, but I got Ft Campbell. So off to the 101st on my 21st birthday! than was almost 9 years ago now and here I am trying to figure out when I crossed the line from youth to adulthood.

I was at Ft Campbell for almost 3 years as a Medic, earning my Air Assault Wings after rappelling from a helicopter, and my Sapper tab after spending 2 weeks outside in 6 inches of snow with little food and less sleep, when we got our orders for Iraq. I was eager to go. All of these things I had drilled myself on to the point of making them instinct could be used. I was eager to see war so I could use medical techniques on my friends? I definitely wasn't a man yet, not hoping for harm to any man, especially not those I knew.

In Iraq I saw soldiers charge into combat with little thought of what they were doing and began to ask myself question. I began to talk to my LT about these questions and we had some long discussions. Some of which I still think about today. I do believe that I started becoming a man with these discussions, but I wasn't there yet. When Josh was killed on November 1st, 2004, that was a crushing moment for me. And after returning home I found myself worn down by the memory of the lost friend. I feel that that experience was another step toward manhood.

I got married and thought I was happy until 2 years later, I learned my wife was cheating on me and I had a breakdown.My PTSD showed its full effects and I went home to Dallas, divorcing the woman I though loved me and seeing the harshness of life in it's true colors. I think this was one of the major steps toward manhood.

Now, 3 years later, I am remarried, this time to a wonderful Christian woman who supports me in my daily walk and am happy, even during stressful and difficult times in my life.

I think that I have learned something, manhood is a journey, it's a daily walk with God and with those we choose to live with. weather we are maturing or not largely depends not on the circumstances of our lives, but by the decisions we make and the company we keep.

So in my next thirty years, I will continue along the road I am now on and will continue in God's walk.